The first time I attended a branding, it was shocked by the stench of burning cow hide combined with the slicing of an ear. I didn't know what to expect because I am a city girl who wanted to be a doctor and has no interest in eating a steak. I was baptized by fire and handed two giant syringes that I was told to stick in each calf making sure they were vaccinated. I was in awe of how much poop was involved, but now that I think about it, I'd poop if someone was putting a hot iron on my skin.(JACOB! Don't ever try to brand me again!) Jump ahead three years and come on an adventure with me as I visit Glen Montana. My dear friend Jacob and I have know each other for roughly six years now and have basically become BFF's. He even feels comfortable enough to constantly give me a wet willy and ask me for advice on how to win over women. Anyways, I've visited the 6-S Ranch many-a-times and have grown very close to the Smith family. I consider them to be my adopted family that I can always visit and know that I am welcome. For the past few years, I've offered to help brand, but for some reason it's more "convenient" for them to get the job done mid week. Thus, I was never able to partake in the festivities because I have a job that requires me to work 8:00 am to 5:00 pm, Monday through Friday. As much as I love the Smith's, I'm not quite willing to give up my vacation time to chop nuts. Well, this year, they actually had a branding on a weekend and I wasn't going to miss it. When I arrived at the house on Friday night, Randy was lounging in the lazy boy refusing to get up and greet me properly. After some stimulating conversations regarding boyfriends and potatoes, I asked if I could sit in the Lazy Boy. Only to be answered by a death glare and a solid NO! Okay, now it was a challenge. I told Randy if I eat a raw nut tomorrow, can I sit in your chair? He laughed and said probably not. Seriously? How many people do you know that have eaten a bovine testicle fresh out of the scrotum? I've had my share of the infamous Rocky Mountain Oyster but those were all digested with some liquid courage. That night after climbing Mount Everest, I started thinking about what I said I was going to do. Ummm...I think I dug myself a little grave. I drifted off after saying a small prayer that Randy would not remember what I had decided was the best way to be able
to sit in the chair.The next day:
So, here I am, geared up to be the official vaccinator/sprayer for the bulls that are lined up about ready to lose their manhood. On the plus side, they were now being branded so they finally knew where they belonged in the herd. Bull number one...I can't remember his name, something manly like Rocky. That's not it, but that does sound good though, doesn't it? Anyways, shots: check, ear tag: check, brand: check, ear cut: check, castration: OMG!!!!! I about cried when I saw the removal of the reproductive organs. There was blood, pulling, bawling, cutting, then the ever-so-graceful toss of the removed object to the dog who somehow knew it was snack time. There was no time to sympathize with Rocky because he was sliced and ready to move on with his life. Let's take a moment to remember all the lives that were lost that day during the testicle harvest..........Ok, moment's over. We forged through the vast amounts of bulls that needed to be "taken care of" when it was finally my turn to partake in the harvest. Note the following: I didn't want to put in ear tags because they hurt the poor baby, I didn't want to cut the ear because that was bloody, I'm perfectly happy being the vaccinator. Alas, my comment about eating the fresh nut was brought up and a very large bull was laying in the table waiting for me to take care of business. Here are the steps that I took to complete the process. (On average, this should take someone about 1 minute to finish, it took me 10 minutes. Sorry baby cow!)
Step 1: Spritz scrotum with water
Step 2: Squeeze little nuts back up into belly (not really that far, but get them out of the way)
Step
3: Using a SHARP knife, remove the scrotum. Please know that it is not a quick slice, it's like cutting bread, you have to work your way across the area.
Step 4: Visualize the exposed nuts
Step 5: Grab one of the slimy objects
Step 6: Pull hard and allow the entire spermatic cord to come outStep 7:
Cut the cord as close as you can to the body
Step 8: Place said "treasure" to the side or in the mouth of a hungry dogStep 9: Repeat after all, there are two of these things
Remember a few seconds ago when I told you it was a quick process? That quick process should only entail a small amount of blood shed, due to my lack of skills, my poor bull was a real trooper because he lost a lot more blood than the rest. Fear not, he's still alive! Now that I conquered that asp
ect of "the process," I was kindly reminded that it was now time to partake in the slimy little numbers. Thanks to the professional named Emily, she doctored up a nice little nut for me to enjoy. Let me just say this doctoring process did not include and salt, pepper or even ketchup. This is straight out of the bull/steer, I think it was still warm even after it was cleaned up. Okay so it sounds like it's probably the size of a golf ball, but it was more like a peanut shell. Not to big, but yet it was warm and squishy. With blood on my hands, a nice cold Bud Light, I placed the peanut in my mouth, swallowed my pride and the rest is history. Is this a victory? I'm still not sure, all I know is I didn't puke or get some kind of parasite that may or may not cause mad cow. Let's be done with the day, it was finally time for me to enjoy the chair. I earned that thing, fair and square. Then I cried. Why? The GD chair isn't that comfortable and to me, it wasn't worth eating a Rocky Mountain Oyster in a half shell. Oh, well, I guess I can say that I am finally among the few and brave who have chosen to consume a little extra protein the old fashion way.Cheers!
